Did I ever tell you the funny story of Hubster and the ferret? I doubt it, but I can hardly tell anyone as I laugh so much when I remember that day that it is hard to get the whole story out.
But here it is, take a seat and make yourself comfortable and I shall begin......
One day, while calling in the naughty stopout puddy qwats, Charlie and Milly, Hubster spotted something moving under my car.
"Sue", he shouted, "There's an animal thing under here".
So I went out to have a peer, bending down to look under my car I saw two beady, frightened eyes staring back at me.
"What is it?" he says (He is Southern, not sure they have ferrets down there) "It's a ferret" I say, "Sit on the ground and it might come to you, I will go and get a box".
So he sat, and did that little chirpy whistly thing when you are trying to summon a small animal, while rubbing his fingers together to pretend he has food or something.
I was heading back into the house when he said "Aww, look, it's coming out".
"Grab it then", I said, "Don't let it get away".
So he went to grab it, only the little beady eye ferret was a bit quicker and grabbed him first.
The scream was ear-splitting, especially in a quiet cul-de-sac at around midnight. I turned around quickly to find the cute little ferret with its cute little teeth firmly embedded in Hubsters web between his thumb and forefinger. He was holding his hand in the air, while the ferret swung from his teeth..... from his web.
Now, this is where the bad language started, I shall replace the expletives with stars, but I can assure you, they were pretty strong.
"Get a ****ing box, quickly" he yelled.
The language didn't phase me, but the yelling did. Anyone who knows my Hubster knows he is the mildest mannered chap around, in the whole 13 years that I have known him I have only ever heard/seen him lose his temper once. THIS was that time.
Anyway, trying not to laugh, I went off to find a box.
Now, you all know that when you are in headless chicken mode and trying to find something, you can't. You might pass it three or four times and still not find it because your head is missing yet you are still running about aimlessly, whilst, in this case, listening to your Husband shouting at you to "Hurry the **** up".
In the end I found a mail-lite box with some envelopes in, which I emptied onto the floor. Proudly I took it out to him.
"You are not ****ing serious? Are you mad? It's ****** teeth are sharp, trust me, it's gonna be out of that in 2 seconds flat!"
All this was said while the ferret still hung from his web, but this time with Hubsters hand under it's bum to hold up the ferret's weight and therefore stop his skin ripping.
"GET ME A PROPER ****ING BOX"
I have to say if anyone had normally spoken to me like that they would be wearing the box and I would have been helping the ferret to grip harder, but as I said, Hubster is a really mild mannered fellow normally and this was so out of character, so I bent down, put my hands on my knees and laughed and laughed and laughed, until I cried.
He didn't laugh at all, in fact he treated me, and the neighbours to a whole new string of expletives.
When I was certain that my bladder was going to hold out, I straightened myself up and went and got the laundry basket, which when the ferret was lowered into it miraculously gave up it's grip and dropped into the bin.
Hubster treated his wounds and we put the ferret, in the bin, in the shed - coz it stunk!
The next day we asked about and reunited the little chap with it's owner. It had been missing for 4 days and they were delighted to have it returned, Hubster was delighted to have it out of his sight.
He still has the scars - mental ones.
A couple of weeks ago, my friend Kate, who rescues ferrets, sent him a box of Smarties, with the condition that once he had eaten them he had to fill the tube full of money to return to the ferret rescue.
He put this back on my desk.. it says "As long as it's toothless once who don't bite".
When I texted her to say the tube was ready, I got a text back offering Hubster to go round and meet her ferrets. I won't tell you the reply, it takes up too many stars ;)
If you want to know more about the ferret rescue that this tube of shrapnel went to please visit http://www.northeastferretrescue.co.uk/